I feel like I’m even losing that.

I haven’t played seriously in a long long time. Today was my first drop-in and even then, I sorta just played around.

It’s… dull when you don’t have a partner or clicks or when… you don’t feel that challenged.
On the other hand, it’s also discouraging when you’re surrounded by national players who jump-smash 300km/hour down the line and it’s simply no competition.

When kids ask if I still play anymore… I just shrug. ”I’m sorta retired”.
I make the best of my drop-ins… I’m a good sport… I try to challenge myself. Crazy cross court drop shots, not smashing, lots of slicing etc.
The … dull part is that most of the time - I pretty much dominate the court. 

I get praise all the time from my ability to do that in drop-ins.
The problem is, I’m not even that ”good”. And I don’t feel like I’m getting better… at all. It hurts actually whenever I get praised. ”No. I suck in comparison to what’s really out there.”

Ever since grade 11, I’ve longed for that feeling of being ”invincible” or being a real ”ace” player. Have someone play me and they can literally tell ”wow, that kids got game”.
In the beginning of the year, I met a provincial level player in my comp sci class… just from one rally, the difference in obvious. Effortless, high, line to line clears. That’s when you feel the gap of someone who’s fucking trained all his life compared to someone like me.

Pathetic I’d say. Personally I’m disappointed in myself.
This sport used to be my passion. What happened? Well. Competition happened. 
A background of a person happened. I’m downright jealous of those who have talent, those who got coached, got trained.

What’s funny is that it’s my first post about badminton for a long time and here I am bitching about it. I know a lot of my old followers loved my badminton posts. Apologies for that but that’s what’s on my mind right now. Other than painting.